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Alberto Gonzales
Alberto Gonzales was the Attorney General of the United States, up until 24 August 2007, when he decided to help get some new blood into the White House by resigning in disgrace. Great Attorney General or Greatest Attorney General? It's hard to recall. Alberto's Early Years Born (dum-dum-dum-dum) deep in the heart of Texas, the future Attorney General was actually born Albertina Gonzales in 1966. (S)he spent an early childhood frustrated and disoriented, sentiments which helped to cement a raging, righteous Republican mentality. At the tender age of 17, Albertina joined several other teenagers (including Hillary Clinton) and underwent a new medical gender-switching procedure. It was a success but left some residual traces (like that soft, girlie voice). Alberto's First Job Foot guide for an alien smuggling organization. Alberto's Work Ethic As Attorney General for George W. Bush, Gonzales did the jobs that no other Americans wanted to do. He worked hard at dodging questions and covering up misconduct. The labor was so intense it makes his back wet. Alberto's Work in Texas Line inspector in a chalupa meat packing plant. In all his time working for The Greatest President Ever when he was Texas' Greatest Governor, Alberto was never implicated in any scandal whatsoever, including the following: * unsolved murders in Ciudad Juarez * the Texas Youth Commission Alberto's Work in Washington Alberto is a true patriot. Liberals have been attempting to undermine our government using outdated, pre-9/11 ideas such as checks and balances, law, and the justice system. These obsolete notions are useful for attacking America, so liberals have kept George W. Bush and Jesus from doing away with them. They were especially useful to get Alberto in trouble for the politically-motivated firings of eight US attorneys. So, to protect himself, his country, and his President, Alberto banged his head on the wall, drank lead paint, and got some drugs from Rush Limbaugh so that he would not recall anything that the liberals could use. Alberto Talks to Congress In 2007, Alberto visited Congress twice in as many months to discuss issue of minor import. America-hating liberals who snuck into the chambers berated Alberto with questions about his job performance and other matters not of their business. Elton Gallegly and other Great American Congressmen rescued him with questions of the highest importance: illegal immigrants. Gonzales politely answered all questions and wanted to answer more about the elusive criminal, Sandy Berger, but no one had yet asked him. Alberto Fractoids * Alberto Worships Rush Limbaugh * Alberto's idol is Sarah Palin. You betcha. * Alberto hates Mexicans * Alberto is "not clear" on whether his parents came to the United States legally, but we trust his smiling face anyway * Alberto loves fighting for freedom * Alberto makes both Jesus and George Bush happy * Alberto is a huge fan of torture and wiretapping; just ask him yourself * Alberto is a member of the 700 Club * Alberto is Stephen's nominee for the new Captain America; archnemesis: Professor Habeas Corpus * Alberto apparently has very bad amnesia * Alberto resigned, which has made Michael Moore happy. * Alberto is a true conservative. For instance, he fired a bunch of RINOs, who were too sissy to prosecute Democrats, at his department just like we're supposed to do as Republicans, and replaced them with true conservatives and got bitched at by both those liberals and the RINOs in Congress that were afraid that THEY would be the ones getting fired by him next. Which would have been awesome. Quotes External Tubes *Illegal Alien to be sent back to Mexico *Alberto Gonzales: The Musical *Alberto Gonzales to write new history book to redeem him